I awoke Sunday morning from an awful nightmare in which I was unable to take a photo with almost the entire cast of Breaking Bad as a result of the IOS 7 update. I still haven’t recovered.
In my dream, I had encountered the actors at the airport where apparently they all had also run into each other, so they took the opportunity to pose for a selfie that Aaron Paul took. While doing so, I asked if he would mind taking one of me with everyone on my phone and he enthusiastically replied, “Sure.”
From here, a terrible chain of events unfolded.
I attempted to bring up the camera app, but for some reason it would not open. It kept leading me through other processes, my frustration building with opportunity fading. Frantically, I continued to tap the icon on my phone, praying it would just execute the correct function, their patience waning.
“Aaron, I’m sorry, for some reason it’s not working right. Can you give me another second?”
He attempted to stall everyone, but it was too late. Bryan Cranston stepped forward. “Aaron, we don’t have time for this. Let’s go.”
Then, the Pinkman himself looked at me, with empathy in his eyes–like I was Gale and he was about to pull the trigger–and stated, “Sorry.”
And they walked off, never to be seen again.
At this point, I would have rather been shot through the eye socket. He might as well have just called me a bitch; at least that’s what I felt like. I felt more helpless and distraught over trying to operate this stupid phone than Walter watching Hank get murdered in the desert. I hurled my worthless device against the wall and broke down crying.
Why IOS7?! Why did you have to take this once in a lifetime opportunity away from me in an experience that completely never actually even happened to me?
But technically I would argue this is worse than if it really had; if a man can’t dream, then what does he have? Nothing but an iPhone and his shitty reality.
In the weeks that followed in my dream (it was a long dream), I was sent into a whirlwind of crippling depression where I all I could do was recount the events of that day, wishing I could somehow go back and relive it prior to downloading the IOS7 update.
Unable to cope, I treated every friend I encountered like a therapist, gauging their opinion of the update and whether I was at fault in my experience. I came to find I was not completely alone in my assertions, although no one had missed an opportunity like mine, nor had cried in relation to the update.
Of the interactions I had, I recall relentlessly bitching to a buddy of mine until he agreed merely to shut me up. Which is pretty much how issues I raise play out in real life: I complain, friend provides rationale, and I continue complaining until they just agree the world is, in fact, against me.
“Dude, this update sucks man! I can’t believe how shitty it is! I can’t do anything on it! How the fuck do you get an app to force close now?!! I’m holding down the icon and it’s not doing anything!!!”
“You just swipe the window up. It’s actually easier.”
“Well, what the fuck? It’s still stupid as hell. And what’s with all the bright colors and cartoonish looking graphics and shit? The phone looks crappy now.”
“The redesign is supposedly to increase functionality.”
“I read that it supposedly makes people dizzy and now I see what they are talking about. I feel like I’m going to throw up. Are they just trying to be a like Droid or something? This phone sucks.”
“So get a Samsung like me and stop complaining.”
“See! I knew you hated them too!”
“Dude, what’s this girl’s problem? I just texted her and all she wrote back was “hey”. I’m probably the most awesome guy she will ever get, and she just writes “hey”? What kind of response is that? Is she retarded?”
If you’re an acquaintance, things play out a little different: I complain, you disagree, and the cycle continues until you decide to stop associating with me at the bar. We don’t usually get to the point of me complaining about girls, unless I decide to lead with that, which usually I do. And you’re the girl at the bar that I’m complaining to about.
“So remember like 3 weeks ago while we were out at dinner I was talking to you and then your eyes shifted mid conversation, as if something distracted you? I mean, you looked back at me right away, but for a brief moment I felt like didn’t have your full attention… I was just wondering if you remember what it was?
“Maybe it was nothing…I mean, I’m sure it wasn’t anything. I don’t even know why I am asking you this…Seriously, forget it. It’s stupid.”
“No, see, obviously that was directed towards me–I didn’t mean like that. I meant I thought maybe something else caught your attention for a second that prevented you from being completely interested in what I had to say, but obviously you are because you are still hanging out with me right now. I knew I shouldn’t have brought this up.”
(looking bored and around the room)
“No, listen, I know I’m awesome. I’m one of the most confident guys you will ever meet, believe me. This is clearly evidenced by the fact that I don’t refrain from asking ridiculously loaded questions that demonstrate what a neurotic lunatic I am for overanalyzing a trivial matter that means nothing in the grand scheme of things, yet I would dwell upon for the entire length of time it took for me to eventually bring it to your attention, because from the moment it occurred I convinced myself it was not worth saying anything since it would potentially make you think I am crazy, but I was unable to refrain from at this point due to my anxiety building up and the intoxicated feelings I have from the alcohol and every time I look at you, and my belief that in order for two people to build anything that that is truly genuine and real they have to be completely honest and open with each other at all times, even if it means sometimes looking foolish or vulnerable or delusional in front of that person, which is why I am telling you this right now rather than later.”
“…uh…can I go now?”
Where was I?
Without its once pioneering and stubborn leader at its helm, Apple is currently in a state of dysfunction. Sure, the company continues to operate, but let’s face facts: the products it has put out since the loss of Steve Jobs have done little to remind us why we were so addicted to their brand in the first place.
As Google continues to innovate and create technology with advanced functionality that I am too lazy to learn, there exists the opportunity for Apple to do nothing and remain loved for it’s simple interface design and commands.
Yet, this is where they are beginning to lose their place.
It seems they are abandoning their trademark crystal blue meth and attempting to replace it with Google heroin. I have been a loyal customer to meth all these years, but I am not about to move up to heroin. Especially inferior heroin.
My point is, I don’t have the time, patience, discipline, or desire to start learning a more complicated process to get my fix. I shouldn’t have to google “how to use an iPhone”. I’m not looking to start injecting my social life with a needle. Just let me snort or smoke your stuff, I’m completely content with the mediocre high your technology allows my life to give me.
So please, cut the shit Apple and just stick to the same drug you’ve been giving us all these years. We meth heads are all counting on you.